I love this website: http://www.27bslash6.com/ , where David makes a mockery of debt collectors, landlords, school principals. Perhaps I was channeling David when I wrote this letter to a collection agency.
Hey, they’re people too. Maybe they’ll appreciate it.
To Whom it May Concern:
Perhaps I shouldn’t use ‘concern’ there. You don’t seem particularly concerned that a charge from Planned Parenthood is equal to hundreds of dollars. Perhaps I had an abortion that I don’t know about.
I didn’t.
I did, however, have an annual exam performed there, as I had just moved to the Omaha area and had not yet established who my gynecologist might be. I still haven’t. If you happen to know a good one, please let me know.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a complete stranger between your legs, making comments about your vulva and inserting metal things into your various orifices, but I assure you, it’s quite awkward. It’s even more awkward when they allow an intern to watch, and said intern stares at you as though you’re roast beef. I further assure you, it’s uncomfortable.
This discomfort is perhaps why Planned Parenthood never told me that they did not bill my insurance company. This is unfortunate because I have since changed to a different holder, and dealing with retroactive insurance claims is about as fun as dealing with collections agencies.
No, I had not heard of this ludicrous charge in over a year, and because my vagina was used for teaching purposes, I truly feel that it is they who should pay me. However, I know that I live in the United States, and Planned Parenthood would never claim to use its patients to teach 20-somethings about the goings on of my uterus without my consent. Certainly not.
Furthermore, I am familiar with PP’s (excuse the pun) “sliding scale” pricing mechanism. Because they chose not to bill my insurance, the fees should have been assessed according to my income at the time. I assure you, I was nowhere near gainfully employed at the time of the not-abortion. Also, I have enough student loan debt to make even the aforementioned intern blush, and my discretionary income is mostly garnished by Sallie Mae, who has her own way of violating young people. Perhaps I’ll save further elaboration on that matter for another time.
I will settle this debt with you for $50, because that would be the fairly assessed charge, given my income at the time of the visit, and the 20-minutes of awkward, excruciating pain I had to endure while the two medical “professionals” ‘hmm’ed and ‘ahh’ed at my reproductive system.
You will receive payment from me when I have it in writing that you will settle this debt for that appropriate amount ($50, in case you forgot), and your sincere promise that you will not further report this to any agencies that will reflect negatively on my credit. Lord knows I’ve done enough damage on my own without getting my naughty-bits involved.
Sincerely,
Cassie Schultz
