Every time I take a sip of coffee, I say a silent prayer that there’s not an earthquake at the moment the cup hits my lips. I’m afraid that it would not only burn me, but that I’d spill on my clothes, and knock out a couple of teeth.
I need my teeth to open packaged goods. You can see why this might be an issue.
I live in the Midwest, so earthquakes are uncommon, but you’d be surprised. Things quake here. Every city I’ve lived in has quaked, flooded, and tornado..ed. It’s just a fact of the Midwestern way. Shit is going to hit the fan.
Maybe that fan will be a windmill, a very dangerous, very large fan.
“Cassie, why are you drinking coffee during a late afternoon in August?”
Because it’s 4 below in my office. It’s making my nose drip like my neighbor’s faucet. Call a fucking plumber, Mary. I’m wearing a scarf, jacket, pants, and fake hair, all in an effort to warm myself. The fake hair is also serving to make me look like a babe. It’s working.
Fact: I started wearing extensions to work three weeks ago, and not one single person noticed.
Either my coworkers never look at me (doubtful, I cover for the front desk almost daily), or they weren’t sure what made me such an insta-babe, so they shrugged and carried on with their lives.
OR the extensions look really really bad and no one wants to tell me. That’s also possible. I wouldn’t tell me, but I should.
People are often afraid to tell others about their flaws. When someone has a boog, for example, it’s awkward to bring it to her attention. I’ve said it before. It’s a necessity, but you have to be discreet. As long as you don’t blab it to the whole neighborhood with a megaphone, the recipient will likely appreciate your feedback.
“Jane, I don’t want to embarrass you, but your breath smells like ass.”
“Wow, thanks Jennifer. I’m really glad you told me that. Now I’ll never be insecure around coworkers, friends, and law enforcement.”
See? This could really benefit the entire world.
—
“Oh no! I lost one of my aqua socks!”
“That makes you even more white trash.”
