I love the UPS man who comes to my office. He says, “Ok, we’re good,” every time he delivers. No “Thanks” or any of that shit. You know what, UPS guy? We are good. In another life, one where I made friends with people whom I made daily smalltalk with, we might hang out. But not in this life. I don’t know how to cross the threshold from “OK, we’re good” to “We should [insert activity].” Really, that’s fine. I don’t look good next to people in uniforms anyway.
I reviewed my sick time and realized I have 19 hours alotted to me for the rest of the year. The number 19 is a prime number, and is unable to be split fairly.
This is especially troublesome to someone who wants her sick time be evenly distributed. What if I have the 24-hour flu and I want to span it across 3 days?
“Sick Time” is something a lot of Americans wish they had. Some people have to actually suffer through their work day, or stay home without receiving pay. It’s truly a luxury to be able to use your neti pot in your underwear and still be getting paid for it. And just think, ALL those Jersey Shore episodes you’ve DVR’d. If this isn’t the high life, I don’t know what is. I actually don’t know what the ‘high life’ is. Unless we’re referring to Miller High Life, which is the champagne of beers. Mm.
I’ve never watched an episode of Jersey Shore. I’m assuming it’s good sick-day material. The kind that makes you feel better about yourself, even if you’re covered in mucus. ‘Hoarders,’ on the other hand, would not be good sick-day stuff. That show makes anyone who watches instantly race to their pantry and start obsessively throwing away expired condiments. Not good if you’re recovering from the Black Plague.
Anyway.
Still, despite the luxury of the corporate “Don’t worry, take care of yourself,” reassurance, your office is still a cess pool. Why?
Because we abuse our sick days, and use them for hangovers, and when we actually have H1N1, we go to work.
I’ve actually never called in because I was hungover. I tough out the work day, bar stamp and all.
“But why? That’s what sick time is for!”
Ok, Dumb. It’s not. Sick days, at their very core, are put in place to stop the spread of disease. Yeah sure, on some level the corporation cares about you, but mostly, the corporation cares about the corporation. When you come to work all snot-faced and ill, you are a threat to everyone around you.
One by one, your coworkers drop like flies, inflicted with the same “gunk” that you carried to work because you would rather use your Sick Time to:
1. Chug Gatorate and wish you wouldn’t have texted … anyone
2. go to Dave and Busters
You should instead realize that there are a lot of people in this world who do not have the luxury of paid recovery.
Yes, some days, you will wake up without any particular ailment and think, “Ugh, not today…” Fine. Call in “sick” that day. Maybe you’re mentally exhausted, which is a legitimate reason for rest. But please, for the love of all things sanitary and good-natured, call in when you’re actually ill as well.
I don’t want your flu germs you sick f___.
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“He just got urine on his shoes. Give him a break.”
