Cassie Cares

THE GROWN-UP BRIDE: FAIRY TALES AREN’T REAL

January 21,2012

Daryl, in usual ungraceful form, turned the focus to making at least one person at the table uncomfortable. She smirked. “When are you and Z getting married?” Forks dropped. Throats cleared. Cassie, don’t rip her apart, said the held breath in the room.

My brother, who doesn’t mince words, broke the silence, “When they’re ready.” Daryl’s smirk dropped. I wished I could speak with that kind of authority. Mental note: Learn to talk like a lieutenant.

This is one of Daryl’s favorite go-tos, because she knows it will always Bring the Awkward. The good ol’ marriage/children question. She may not realize it, but she’s playing into one of our culture’s biggest flaws: Conformity.

Let me be clear: I have no problem with those who wish to be married before 25 or 30…. or 40. If it’s right for you, it’s right for you. I am not criticizing any healthy, happy relationship in this post.

What I have a problem with is the Wedding Industry, specifically, the notion of “FairyTale Weddings,” that is being jammed down our throats from ages 3 to 35. (After that? You’re an old maid, right? Might as well get some cats.) You shall be a princess for a day, with all the trappings of royalty, so buy this, drink this, wear this, and Fairy Tale Magic will follow. I’m irritated by wedding magazines with allusions to this “Princess” mentality. 

You live in the United States. We don’t have Princesses. Knock it off. Be a Pioneer.

How many of you have a family engagement ring that’s older than, say… 100 years? Wait… no one? Why do you think that is?

Because the notion of the diamond engagement ring is not a time-honored tradition. The engagement ring itself is pretty offensive, if you think about it. A down-payment on a piece of property, so to speak. It wasn’t until the 1940s that men even began wearing wedding bands. Of course, through Feminism and time, the tradition has become a “promise,” and a “symbol” for love, but we would be stupid to ignore its origins. Women were property who needed marked.

The reason many women believe that a diamond, at the cost of “two-month’s salary” is symbolic of “his love for me” is that many of us have unknowingly fallen for one of the biggest marketing ploys of all time. De Beers created the image that diamonds were scarce and rare. In reality, they aren’t.

Asbestos used to be a primary ingredient in cigarettes. I have an ad on my wall from 1947 that says, “More Doctors Smoke Camels.”

For a while, everyone believed it. The difference between cigarettes and diamonds is this: We got the cancer. We got the ill effects of a hideous PR cover-up. We do not see the ill effects of “blood” or “conflict” diamonds. We just see their sparkle. We don’t stop and think that Al Qaeda was able to exchange millions of dollars into diamonds as a way to hide assets.

But my diamond is certified! That doesn’t really mean anything. Even if it’s certified, your diamond’s origins can never be proven (unless you mined it or know the supplier). Think of diamonds as water. Once they’re poured together, can you tell where they’re from? Diamonds are easily smuggled, and the certification guidelines are easily evaded.

We don’t think about the little boy in Sierra Leone whose hands were chopped off when his home was raided, only because his family’s land might have been on top of a few unearthed diamonds. These stories are far away, not “real” to us, because we are princesses for a day, who deserve glitz and glamour. It’s a symbol of our love for one another.

Diamonds and terrorism aside, an entire industry has been built around this “Fairy Tale” concept. If you tell a venue that you’re having a wedding, the rate for the rental will increase. They know that your dad will fork over an extra grand or two to give his daughter “what she deserves.” This holds true for baked goods, furniture rentals, hair stylists, makeup, and catering. They will overcharge you because they can get away with it. Families have gone deeply into debt because their daughters feel that they are entitled to this kind of selfishness.

“I can at least look like a princess.” Your dress is not made of actual lace, satin, chiffon, or silk. Most likely it’s a rayon or polyester blend, made in China, and cost about $18 to produce. If you are paying outrageous sums of money for your gown, yeah, joke’s on you. And you’re still funding sweatshop labor.

My final thought: Your future husband will have to stay married to you after the flowers wilt and the cake molds.What dress do you think he would have chosen for you? What hair? What makeup? When does he feel you are at your most attractive? Should your wedding day be the unattainable standard (I can’t tell you how many times I hear women say that they want to get back down to their “wedding weight” )? If the wedding is about the two of you, maybe he should see you as yourself. Not your 5-Year-Old-Self’s Cinderella fantasy.

None of this matters to you? Fine. I’m not here to judge you, just sharing my thoughts. Your marriage has a 50/50 shot of failing whether you spend thousands of dollars or not.

Maybe you’re aware of the marketing ploys, and you still want an elaborate wedding because it’s what you want. You’re not trying to impress anyone. This is your taste. That’s your choice, and I support that.

For the rest of you: PLEASE for the sake of all humankind, invest more in your marriage than your wedding. The Big Day will be over in one day, and then that benchmark will be a (hopefully) pleasant memory. Your life together is what matters most. You’re going to get old and ugly. Will the person at the altar still want YOU? The YOU underneath all that makeup?

Let’s keep it in perspective. 

WANT TO LEARN MORE? LINKS:

http://www.stopblooddiamonds.org/international-terror.asp
http://www.brilliantearth.com/kimberley-process/
http://www.fromtimespast.com/wedding.htm
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1982/02/have-you-ever-tried-to-sell-a-diamond/4575/
http://www.rd.com/family/the-history-of-engagement-rings/2/
http://blacktable.com/bruno031030.htm
http://www.ihateweddings.com/?itemid=83
http://diamondssuck.com/
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/29/AR2008082901905.html
http://www.inmalafide.com/blog/2011/07/27/the-diamond-ring-scam/
http://www.knittedbliss.com/2009/04/5000-wedding-how-we-did-it.html

[Sorry to all of my friends who will be offended by this post. I'm not trying to crush your princess dreams, nor did I think your wedding was over-the-top. I've just been doing a lot of research on the topic, and this is how I feel about a lot of the bullshit I've been seeing.]